Tag Archives: connecting with child

A Simple Question: Understanding of What our Child Needs from Us in the Moment. By Gregory Bland

checkers-gregory-blandThe heavy footsteps, sigh, and loud thump as my son sat upon the stairs by my desk clearly indicated something was up. I looked up to see a disappointed look upon my sons face. He stared into my eyes and said,
“Dad, the girls are being mean to me again!”
“What’s going on?”
“Well, they won’t let me in their room, they keep pushing on the door and holding it shut so I can’t get in.”
“Did they give any explanation to you?”
“Yeah! No boys allowed!! What should I do now?”
“Josh, this is an interesting situation. There are several possibilities here. What do you think you should do?”

Looking away from me, he sat silent for a few moments thinking. Placing his elbows on his knees and leaning forward until his chin nestled into his hands, he scrunched his little face up and replied.

“Dad, you have to remember, I’m littler than my sisters, and I don’t know as much as they do. Sometimes you just need to tell me what to do.”

In that moment, as I looked into my son’s eyes, my mind was quickly carried back to a conversation I had with another parent not too long ago.

“Our role in parenting will naturally shift according to our children’s need in the moment.  In some cases we will teach, imparting knowledge, at other times we will mentor, allowing them to glean from our experience, and often we will coach, guiding our children to discovery. The key is discerning what they need in the moment.”

My natural desire to turn this into a learning experience and coach in the moment I took that posture. I was hoping to stimulate thought about how he could engage his sisters, what he needed was something different.

In my desire to help him in this way, I had forgotten to ask one simple question, which would have helped me better understand the role he needed me to play at this particular moment.

“What do you need most from me right now?”

Looking up the stairs my heart was gripped by how sad he looked. I invited him to come closer and sit upon my lap. He stood and somberly sauntered down the remaining stairs, rounded my desk and crawled into my lap.

As he nestled in tightly to my chest, I firmly placed my arms around him and apologized for being ‘insensitive’ and asked, “What do you need most from Daddy right now?”

Quietly he lifted his head and once again looking into my eyes he said softly, “I just want someone to play with. Could we play a game of checkers together?”

What a revealing response to that simple question! He didn’t want to be mentored, taught or coached, rather what he needed the most was simply someone to spend time with.

The truth is we can easily focus upon what we believe is best for our child in the moment and easily miss what they need the most from us. Instead of pushing my own agenda, and tuning into his needs it opened the door to a great time of relational connection.

Have there been times in your parenting where asking a simple question like this may have catalyzed a different outcome with your child? As we conclude, take a moment and think of two variations of the question, “What do you need most from me right now?” that you could ask your child. In this way you will be prepared to ask what your child needs most from you and make the most of that opportunity when it presents itself.

To get you started I’ll offer one more.

a. How can I best help you?

Until next time, continue enjoying the rich relationship parent coaching can add to your family relationships but remember: be flexible.

Your friend and pro-active parent coach.

Turning Mistakes into Masterpieces by Julie Lubbe

Turning Mistakes into MasterpiecesI was at a conference with Bill Johnson when he told a remarkable story about his son.  One day he came home to find that his son drew a city all over the wall.  Surprisingly, Bill didn’t punish him, instead he marveled over his art work.  He would even take people to his son’s room to show them what he drew.  He did, however, tell him the next time he wanted to draw he had to use paper and not the wall.  I was amazed at his parenting style.

A month after the conference, I walked into my bathroom to find my 3 year old, Kaylee, writing all over my bathroom floor with a black marker.  I said, very loudly “WHAT…” and before I could finish saying “are you doing,” I found myself quickly recalling Bill Johnson’s story about his son. And ended up saying “…a beautiful picture.”

Kaylee stopped and looked at me. She was waiting for me to get mad at her.  Instead, I turned her mistake into a masterpiece.  I told her what a beautiful job she did, and asked her questions about her drawing.  After she finished explaining her masterpiece, I told her that the next time she wants to draw mommy a picture to please use paper.

Next I showed her how to clean up her masterpiece.  As we took the Clorox wipes and scrubbed the floor together, I reminded her how creative she was and how I couldn’t wait to see more of her art work…on paper.  She giggled and laughed and went away feeling good about herself.

You see, it is important to find the masterpiece in the midst of a mess.  Children are learning, and we can teach them by fear or we can teach them with love.  The Bible says in 1 John 4:18 “Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.” (NLT)  God is not afraid of our mistakes, so we shouldn’t be afraid of our children’s mistakes either.

So, the next time you find yourself about to say…”What are you doing?” take a time out and make it a learning experience.  Turn your child’s mistake into a masterpiece.

Julie Lubbe