Face to Face with Fear pt 6 by Gregory Bland

pummeled-gregory-bland-the-legacy-centre“I could never love another child the way I loved Katelyn.”   That thought haunted me and catalyzed a tangible fear within my heart. I forced myself to go through the motions . . .

– I read story’s to Lynn’s belly as we lay down at night just as I did with Katelyn.
– I’d play the guitar and sing to Lynn’s belly. A treat that most never hear and for good reason.

– I would speak to the baby developing within the womb, affirming my love, telling stories of what to expect in our family, and awaiting the press of a hand or foot against my gentle hand.

I was hoping somehow all of these actions would diminish my “irrational” fear. It didn’t. I was still scared. Questions nagged me day after day, week after week, and month after month. It was unrelenting.

Could I love this child the way I love the first?

What if I couldn’t?

What impact would this have them?

Am I going to wreck them emotionally?

As the birth date approached my anxiety increased and there was a barrage of new questions. My mind felt as though I was in a boxing ring, back pressed against the ropes, hands up guarding my face as Evander Holyfield pummeled me.

Are we having a boy or girl? I know how to father a girl, but what happens if we have a boy? What do I do then? I don’t know how to relate to boys? I didn’t even have a Dad at home. I don’t know if I could love another girl, let along a boy. How would I love a boy?

I was a wreck internally.

The Dr’s decided that my love would be tested on June 30th when they declared that Lynn would be induced on that day so they could monitor the birth. Instead of watching the fireworks at the Freedom Festival between Detroit/Windsor, I’d be watching fireworks of a different sort this year.

You’d think after 5 months of fighting with these questions I would have resolution walking into the hospital room. I didn’t. Lynn was induced early in the morning and as the hours passed my anxiety increased and my prayer intensified. Lynn may have thought I was praying for her, but I wasn’t. I was selfishly praying that somehow, someway, God would give me the strength to love this child as I should. Would my love be divided? Would it be diminished in any way with the addition of this child? The unpleasantness of that thought was disconcerting and I continued praying.

The hours rolled by and nothing tangible changed. Not within my heart or within Lynn’s body. Nurses checked frequently on Lynn but precious little was happening. Lunch came and went and still no change, “You’re still 2 cm dilated,” the nurses repeated, over and over and over again. As the supper hour passed anxiety ramped up. It seemed as though God was doing His masterful work of forging patience within our lives.

Lynn and I sat side by side on the love seat in the hospital room, not much was said, but I know a lot was being contemplated. All of a sudden Lynn screamed. I mean screamed, it was so loud I jumped to my feet in an instant and almost immediately nurses were running through the door.

Finally something is happening! It was fast and furious, you’re completely dilated and the baby is crowninlove-gregory-bland-the-legacy-centreg. One nurse paged the Dr, as the others helped Lynn into the bed. I watched in amazement. (I’ll spare you some of the details.) The Dr. arrived at the room just in time to see the baby being born

He held the baby up and said, “Mr and Mrs Bland you have a baby girl. It’s a good thing she ca
e when she did because her umbilical cord is in a perfect knot and it’s tightening.  Take a look at this . . .”

I looked at her through the tears that flooded my eyes, “Hannah Mercedes,
welcome to our family.” In an instant my doubts and fears were erased. I was overwhelmed with LOVE for this precious child. My love was not divided, it was not diminished in any way, but rather I could tangibly tell it was multiplied!

I thanked God for this little girl’s safe arrival and the instant work He did within my heart. It was late that night, 11:25pm, that all my fears were eclipsed by the reality I had a greater capacity for love.

Until Next time
Consider the depth of love you have for another
Your friend and Pro-Active Parent Coach
Gregory Bland

Pro-Active Parent Coaching &
The Legacy Centre

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