Face to Face with Fear pt 5 by Gregory Bland

expecting-2nd-child-gregory-bland“What do you mean you’re pregnant? You’re breastfeeding! Is that even possible?” Apparently breastfeeding is not a foolproof form of birth control. Some things you just learn by experience. 😉

The words, “Greg. We’re pregnant, we’re expecting another child,” sent a cool chill up my spine. I did not expect this news. I knew that I should be happy, yet I felt a strange sense of loss. Something inside of me wanted to be supportive, encouraging, & helpful, but I was scared and didn’t know why or how to communicate this with Lynn.

I tried to mask my immediate thoughts, put a brave face on, hugged Lynn and said with less-than-heartfelt words, “That’s great honey.”

I couldn’t help thinking that the life I had grown so quickly to love and the image I had created for our future was suddenly shattered.   All the dreams I had of the three of us gone with those simple words, “We’re expecting another child.”

I loved Katelyn with all my heart. So much so that this ‘good’ news impacted me in a way I never thought possible. I’m not ready for this. How can I cope? I’m certain my stress markers went out the roof as my mind reeled with questions that I could not seem to answer.

Why am I feeling like this?

I love children, what’s going on inside of me?

How can I cope?

In a very real sense I felt like I was going crazy. I could not put my finger on the source of these thoughts, but I knew they were stemming from something deeper within me. Yes, they were irrational, yes, they were selfish, nonetheless they were real and overwhelming.

For weeks I wore a façade. Pretending to be excited and happy while I secretly wrestled with these questions and guilt over the way I was feeling. I can’t remember exactly the moment it dawned on me, but there was a time I recognized the source of my fears.

Like lightening piercing the darkness a thought shot to the forefront of my mind. “Greg,” yes, sometimes I talk to myself. O.K. according to Lynn, I talk to myself a lot! “Greg,” I thought, “You are feeling this way because you’re scared you cannot love another the way you love Katelyn.”

That one statement resonated with my spirit. Yes, that’s it, that’s it. It’s true I love Katelyn so deeply I am scared I could never love another child in the same manner. I just don’t have it in me.

Although I knew the source of my fear, I did not know the capacity of my love until Hannah was born.

Can you relate in any way? It seems crazy to many, but it was very real to me. I was just plain scared that I could never love another the way I loved the first.
Until Next time
Consider what love is
Your friend and Pro-Active Parent Coach
Gregory Bland

Pro-Active Parent Coaching &
The Legacy Centre

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